Slave to Life (an Audio Rant)

"A huge part of figuring out how to become happy is to really try to pinpoint – to isolate what it is that you want – what it is that will make you happy..."



'Slave to Life' - By Evan Exempt

[This tasteless, unrehearsed rant was recorded on a mobile phone in my car while parked at a gas station in Jefferson City, Missouri, early October, 2009.]

Cool Belt

One hipster says to another: "Dude, that's a cool belt. Where did you get it?" The other hipster replies: "Dude, I was born with this belt."

{ADDED PER CHANNING KENNEDY: "Dude, is that your dried, treated umbilical cord?"}

Going Out in Style: BRO Tries to End it All at Les Bourgeois

In today's Columbia Daily Tribune:


Friday, September 18, 2009

A 22-year-old man was taken to University Hospital with serious injuries after a bus ran over him early Friday in the parking lot at Les Bourgeois Vineyards.

At about 1 a.m., after a party at the winery in Rocheport, hundreds of college students loaded onto a bus driven by Thomas Hoehn, a 44-year-old from Jefferson City. Brian Lindsey of Springfield tried to stop the bus before it ran over him, according to a report from the Missouri State Highway Patrol. The bus then came to rest on top of Lindsey before it moved off of him, the patrol said.

Lindsey was taken to University Hospital with serious injuries.

I honestly feel bad for the bus driver because he has to accept responsibility for this accident. I was certainly not present to witness the particulars, and perhaps the driver could have been more aware of what was going on. But I am well familiar with the kind of BROs who generally ride group-rate buses to fraternal drinking functions, and I (as a Columbia native, myself) have witnessed some serious alcohol-induced stupidity take place in and around these 'bar buses'. I am not trying to flame the victim with an onslaught of 'grouchy townie' social prejudice; I feel very badly that he has sustained injuries that he will probably have to live with for the rest of his life. I also have no objective basis for my assumption that this was a fraternity sanctioned event (though I'd be willing to bet money that it was). But the fact is: When you mix alcohol and heavy machinery (even if the drunk people aren't necessarily the ones operating it), accidents DO happen. I think the lesson we can all take away from this is that maybe missing the bus is the preferable alternative to stepping in front of it.

The guy probably would have been better off driving home.

- Evan "Exempt" Jones (that roller skater jerk)

The Guild of Tomorrow's Creepy Old Men

I am currently in the process of launching a new non-profit organization.

Whatever Comes Up in the Shuffle: A Bitch-Session About Facebook Privacy Settings

Please observe the screen-shot below.

No face, no link... No point? (Well, at least we know where she works now.)

Among other things, you may notice that my sister, Monica, is a total fucking beak-munchin' hillbilly. You may also notice several comments, one from a certain Michaela Shellie Shively Walden. While it is not uncommon to see 'not pictured' Facebook pages (particularly with brand new users), it can also be observed that Michaela's name appears in all black lettering. What does this mean? It means that it is not an active link (i.e. it is impossible to initiate any contact with her; she must initiate it.)

I believe that what we are observing is a new security setting which allows Facebook users to opt out of all of those up-until-now standard social networking site realities: being 'added', receiving messages, etc. (Please correct me if I am wrong.)

OK, I'd like for us to take a look at a certain English word called 'Participation'.

Participation
n.
The act of taking part or sharing in something.

Call me old fashioned, but hasn't participating in something always carried the implication that while one is privy to the same benefits as are the rest of the participants, one is also subject to the same vulnerabilities and liabilities as are the rest of the participants?

For example, Charles Bukowski once wrote of an orgy encounter at a drugged-out, bisexual brothel-house. In 'Notes of a Dirty Old Man', Bukowski stumbles upon woman sitting spread-eagle. Some dialog ensues, but he basically just starts fucking her. He then writes:

'I was just going good when something RAMMED into the cheeks of my ass. I saw flashes before my eyes.
"hey, what the HELL!" I reached and pulled the thing out. I was standing there with this guy`s thing in my hand. "what do you think you`re doing, buddy?" I asked him.
"listen, friend",he said, "this whole game is just one big deck of cards. if you want to get into the game you have to take whatever comes up in the shuffle."'

Metaphorically speaking, sufferers of (what I call) privacy neurosis seem to think that they are entitled to strut around the orgiastic brothels of social networking websites and fuck whoever they please, but never give up any action on the flip-side!

I condemn this behavior because it is simply unfair. Facebook ought to allow people access to only as much information about others as they are willing to offer of themselves.



Picture yourself walking down the sidewalk at night, and you see a person wearing a MASK.

A masked person in a public place -- unless it is a festive occasion -- will generally induce a great deal of fear and suspicion in the minds of fellow societal participants. The masked person is able to recognize the identities of others, but is not participating in society on the same level as everyone else. Because the masked person's identity is concealed, he or she has no personal liability for his or her actions, and hence bears the burden of suspicion. Granted, at least most Facebook users have the decency to use their real (or publicly used) names, even if their pages are locked down.

But, for the love of God, why in the hell would you want to block EVERYONE from contacting you unless you have initiated contact with them first? Oh, because you're an internet sociopath -- My bad!

So what is your defense, Michaela? Spammers are out to get you? Psycho ex-lover stalking you? Boss/co-workers might find you out? Don't want your kids to 'add' you? Can I ask what in the hell makes you think you're so special, or that anyone gives a shit about you?

You privacy neurotics just need to grow some virtual balls and ante up with the common courtesy of showing your own damn face and making it possible for a distant friend, or stranger, to contact you. Do you glare at well-meaning people who try to strike up a conversation with you in a buffet line, or a train station? Yes? Well, then congratulations; you are officially an asshole!

It's time to wake up and realize that the world does not revolve around you, and that all you are doing with your privacy neurosis is perpetuating an atmosphere of social malign and distrust. Let's be good neighbors and spread those social networking butt cheeks nice and wide because this whole game is just one big deck of cards; if you want to get into the game, you have to take whatever comes up in the shuffle.

- Evan Exempt

P.S. This article is NOT personally directed at Michaela Shellie Shively Walden for the simple reason that we do not and cannot have any idea who she is... Oh, whatever! Yes, it IS personally directed at her!

“If this is your first night at Karaoke, you have to sing.”

***ORIGINAL POST AT JASON ROSENBAUM'S KARAOKE BLOG, BUFFALO STANCE***

The first idea I would like to establish is that I do not like Karaoke. Not only do I avoid participation (evasively, or even aggressively, at times), but I also avoid its spectacle whenever possible. My small handful of Karaoke attendances and performances over the years have been incited by only the grimmest of ultimatums: 'I'm too lonely to stay in this tiny room in my parents' basement for another minute... But all my friends are at Karaoke Night,' or, 'I hate myself so much that I should force myself into suffering through Karaoke night. Anyway, I'm tired of crying through my eyeliner and cutting myself with the sharp end of this guitar string.'

On these sad occasions, before the glare of a singalong video prompter and a wall of dead, drunk eyes with skeleton smiles, only one of three songs would ever meet my lips.

1. A disheveled dramatization of Billy Joel's 'Piano Man' with the inflected snottiness of a young Johnny Rotten and a touch of masturbatory angst a la Bright Eyes.

2. A stoic and loyally unimaginative rendition of 'Sunday Morning Coming Down' by Johnny Cash.

3. A clownish, crotch-grabbing b-boy spin on Tone Loc's 'Wild Thing'.

People often pit pride against shame as its polar opposite. I disagree and assert that there is rather a fine line dividing them, provincially, like warring neighbors: Shame sends its spies to pry upon Pride; Pride's corrupt internal agents sell 'weapons' and intelligence to Shame via rogue, back-alley deals. Drunken arms bartering in the brothels of the soul!

The proud shame afforded by a Karaoke performance is like being rolled in shit and money – No amount of soap and hot water can ever make you feel clean, but you just want to keep stuffing your pockets!

In the showers of our psyches are soaking, naked men and women shamelessly chanting the songs of our deepest, truest colors. These candid voices, once guarded and personal, have now been socially approved for public display on a makeshift stage at almost any bar in America! These Karaoke nights are the support groups of our shameful singing masturbation habit; a place where someone can earnestly look you in the eye and say, "It's OK. I do it, too. We all do it!" And these Karaoke nights are the fight clubs of our shared shame that tell us (via peer pressure), "If this is your first time at Karaoke night, you have to sing!"

Well, if I could borrow one more rule from Fight Club, it would be the rule where someone could collapse on the floor halfway through the night and yell "STOP!" and everyone would just... Stop.

- Evan Exempt

Body Cleanse Summary

After a couple of months of sober, healthy living, I decided that a digestive body cleanse would be a good idea to help flush out some of the toxins that have accumulated over the years.

Today, I enter the final phases of my cleanse. Without going into too great of detail, I will summarize the two-week program.

Basically what I am doing is a basic over-the-counter supplement cleanse with a an intensive fasting-purging program tacked on at the end.

Two weeks ago, I purchased Enzymatic's Whole Body Cleanse (which contains fiber, milk-thistle and several natural laxatives) and made some serious changes to my diet. The most significant change is that I started eating a lot more fruits and vegetables and a lot less fat and protein, and that I started drinking a lot more water. My mostly-vegetarian cleansing diet has consisted of bulk staples like rice and various kinds of beans (including many soy products). I have allowed some white poultry/fish on three occasions and cheese on two occasions (one of which I very much regretted afterward... damn gouda); I also enjoyed some free-range eggs on several mornings (poached of course). My core vegetable staple was raw carrots and carrot juice (YUM!) with tomatoes and spinach taking silver and bronze. My core fruit staple was high-fiber, vitamin-rich berries: both fresh blueberries and blackberries, as well as Naked Juice Blue Machine and Bolthouse Farms Berry Boost (from which my pocket book is still suffering). I also used a combination of whey protein and fiber supplement powder on the days where I wasn't able to eat much solid food (i.e. when I was travelling for work) so as to keep my tummy satiated and my energy level stable.

In less than two weeks, I feel better than I have in years. My waistline has trimmed significantly and my farts smell like flowers! (Just kidding.) For the next few days, I will embark on the intensive portion of the cleanse, which I designed based on information from several friends, articles and nutrition publications.

Friday -- Water Fast:

This intensive fasting phase is not universally recommended. Some health experts suggest that it can put unnecessary stress on your metabolism and digestive systems, and that it can trigger the body to release too much of its stored toxins back into the blood stream at once, which can have adverse effects on ones health and comfort. I am kind of running under the logic that since I have already been engaged in this light cleanse and modified diet for the past couple of weeks, I have already dealt with a significant amount of these toxins, and that I am thus better equipped to deal with any shock factor... But what do I know?

I will be consuming at least two gallons of purified water today. The only allowances I am making are for a bit of club soda and organic lime juice (to settle my stomach) and some senna leaf tea, which is a natural laxative (though I have been advised to use the senna very sparingly so as to not strain my liver during the cleansing process).

Saturday -- Juice and Fiber Purge:

In addition to a surplus of kale, ginger and carrots, I have invested in a variety of juices, including unfiltered apple, carrot, tomato and grape (all organic). These will be consumed tomorrow along with copious amounts of psyllium powder and bentonite clay, which are known for their abilities to scour septic deposits from the colon wall (i.e. remove all the putrid, nasty shit-goo that has plastered itself to your guts over the years and allows toxins to be absorbed back into your bloodstream). The psyllium seed powder and bentonite clay are from a brand called Sonne's, and are formulated specifically for this purpose.

I am actually very excited for this day of juicy goodness and toilet flushing!

Sunday -- Final Purge and Recovery:

I plan to give myself several saline enemas on Sunday morning to help dislodge whatever the fiber and clay wasn't able to force out. After several hours of relaxing and cleaning up, I plan to join my family and friends for a light evening lunch to celebrate my 29th birthday (which is actually on Saturday, the 18th -- Yes, I'll be at home alone, pooping on my actual birthday)! Let me know if you would like to join us for a late lunch on Sunday! (Location to-be-announced.)

I actually wanted to post this blog a bit sooner so that I could get some pointers... but I think it's a little late to change gears now. Either way, I don't think this is going to do any harm. But if anybody who is experienced with this sort of thing sees any red flags, please message me right away. I always welcome the counsel and advice of a helpful friend!

Cheers to healthy living and have a great weekend!

- Evan

P.S. Yes, I will probably take some crazy poop photos like all the rest of the proud colon-cleanse fanatics like to do. If you are interested in seeing how things 'came out', please message me personally with your email address (ya' fuckin' shit freak). Thanks!